Brick Chickened

I had such grand plans for this post.

I took pictures for a slide show that would illustrate in images just exactly how to bone a whole chicken, then turn the boned halves into delicious, pan seared goodness and the how to render the rest of the chicken carcass into momma slapping good stock.

Then my camera died.

At long last the ghetto-fabulous, $99.00 Wal-Mart special Kodak digital camera that my Mom bought me for my 27th Christmas is now, I think, dead as a door mouse. I qualify that just because it has played possum before but, somehow, I think that this time is for real. Ah, Kodak, I hardly knew yah.

See this picture? Not mine. I stole it off some other poor guys blog. Fuck him and his non-Photoshop-ing ass. My camera died.

All electronic gadget morbidity aside, I think this is a pretty awesome wooing dish. Maybe a third-dater as the wholesale dismemberment of a chicken is impressive, gruesome, but also strangely erotic, so bit of familiarity between the cook and the cooked for might be useful.

Onward.

You'll need:

1 Sharp Boning Knife (Shop bitches!)

1 Cast Iron Skillet, Large

1 Circular, Heavy Weight Wrapped in Tin Foil (a few 10 lb barbell weights would work well. I used a cast iron Dutch oven filled with cans of beans)

1 Small Chicken (the smallest you can find. You could also use a Cornish game hen, just make sure to cut down cooking times accordingly)

1 Tablespoon Oil

Salt

Pepper

Latex Gloves (let your imagination run wild)


Right.

Put on the rubber gloves first thing to avoid bugs. I know that you know that I will recommend getting a nice non-grocery store bird from the beards at the farmer's market but I also know you'll probably get a creepy one from C-Town so put the fucking gloves on!

The deal here is that you're essenstially peeling all of the really good meat off the chicken with a few deft strokes of a sharp knife.

If you haven't heeded my warnings about owning some good quality cutlery and keeping them in tune by now you should just turn off your fucking computer and throw that thing out the window because the information age is not working for you.

Anyway, you start by putting the bird in front of you and feel along the top of the breast with your off hand. Again, this is much better shown and not told but I can't very well do anything about that now, can I? Huh. So you'll feel a bone or actually a ridge of cartilage running through the middle of the back. This is your meridian. To the right of this is one half of chicken you have to free from the bondage of the ribcage and to the left is another. You want to cut one 1/2 inch groove from the top to the bottom of the back on either side of this ridge.

Watch your fingers!

I have no money to put your finger tips back on so pay attention!

Are we good? There are two even cuts running parallel to the back on each side of it? They run from the top to the bottom completely? Still have all your fingers? Fucking sweet.

Now comes the trickier parts:

Let your knife blade run along the natural lines of the chicken's ass down to the thigh joint. Please feel around for where this is on your chicken before you cut. It's near the very bottom of the chicken. You will follow the ribs down to the joint with several gentle, even strokes of your knife and then put the blade in the joint and push down firmly.

Don't panic. There WILL be a sickening cracking sound as you split the joint.

Don't freak out. You're dismembering an animal, did you think it was going to be like eating Fritos? If your date is watching you do this, say something about this being gross, but don't make yourself out to be a pussy. Charge on.

Now you're going to do the front. Spin the bird around so it's facing you, or to the side, if that makes it easier.

Folding the breast over with your off hand as you cut (basically getting the just cut meat out of the way of the blade and your sight line) you will be running the blade down the length of the bird from the beginning of the ribs to the wishbone, following the curve of the ribs taking a 1/2 inch of meat off the bones with each pass.

Don't let your knife dig into the ribs.

Let it face just ever so slightly away from them so that you're cutting the meat but not in danger of slicing through into the ribs which, if your knife is as sharp as it should be, would be an easy mistake to make.

Make sure to keep your cuts from severing the wishbone too. The key is to get MOST of the meat not ALL of the meat off the chicken. You'll boil the rest for stock so nothing is wasted later.

After a few strokes you will reach the wing joint which, like the thigh joint, is tucked in under the chicken near it's back bone. Again feel around, pushing firmly as need be, to locate EXACTLY where the joint is and cut to and through the joint.

More gross butchering noises. Your date, by this point, has either left or is ready to jump you as soon and you remove the rubber gloves (or not).

Now take your bird and do the same thing to the other side. Honestly, boning the chicken out is not as tough as it seems but you will need to do it at least twice before you try it in front of people.

A few words on boning:

1) Have a sharp knife. You can muddle through clubbing onions and shit with a dull one but meat in general (and chicken in particular) is too delicate to slough through with one of your lame kitchen drawer knives. Buy the frigging Honesuki.

2) Handle the bird as little as possible. The more you man handle these poor little creatures the uglier it's going to get. Act like your boning the idea of a chicken, if you catch my meaning, and that's about how much you should touch it.

3) If your knife stops cutting well, wash it off. The fat from the chicken won't clog your knife too bad but it will make it less sharp at some point. Pork is much worse.


Cooking Time

A word here. Sometimes internet recipe places lie to you. Where I work we make brick chicken and that's how I learned to make it but when I got home I lost confidence and consulted the web for techniques because my home kitchen isn't exactly a real cheffie kitchen now is it? Bah! Fuck those recipe sites. Morons! DipShits! Bad cooks!

The technique I used ended up cooking chicken to death. I know that I should have been more involved in the process but the recipe was from some sort of legitimate "authority". I trusted them and it was my downfall. Remember: never trust anyone with your food! Not even me! I don't cook in your kitchen! I have no idea what time it is! Be wary! Be skeptical!

That aside, he's my "Learn from my mistakes" version of cooking:

Step one. Get skillet hot with high-medium heat. With cast iron this might take 8 minutes. While the pan is heating salt, pepper and perhaps grate some lemon zest on the fronts and backs of your chicken parts.

Step two. Locate heavy stuff and have it handy. Also have a 8x8 piece of tin foil to cover the chicken backs with so you don't soil anything, chickens or otherwise.

Step three. Oil the pan and then flop those chickens down skin first in the hot pan. Now load the heavy shit on. Go crazy.

Step four. Turn down heat slightly and wait about twenty minutes. Now would be a good time to tussle with your date or make a side dish. Also, preheat oven to 325'. Also, half way through turn your pan 180' or your chickens may brown unevenly. Mine did.

Step five. Take the heavy shit off the chicken and flip the chickens skin side up. Throw them in the oven for 5-10 minutes depending on how big your chicken halves are.

Step six. Remove and let rest. On plates if they look very done. On the skillet if they look slightly un-done.

Step seven. Serve up. Get laid.