Tha Grind!

I spend a lot of time thinking about ground beef. About an hour a day which is how long it takes me to trim and grind the meat that will become the burgers that day at Diner.

Ground beef is one of those things that people either love or fear like no other meat, except maybe bone marrow, I can think of. I've heard at least 10 people tell me about some relation of theirs, usually a dad or uncle, who eats or ate raw hamburger right out of the foam tray. Of course we all know people who would never think of eating a hamburger that was anything but well-done.

So what IS the deal with commercially produced ground beef anyway? Should you fear it? Should you eat it raw? What are "best practices" for making it? Let me tell you.

What goes into ground beef any-fucking-way? Like hot dogs and breakfast sausage my father would always say "lips and assholes" whenever I'd ask him. Most ground beef, no matter how dubious its origins, contains neither lips nor assholes. What goes into most grind is lean and fatty beef trim (the stuff they trim off large cuts to make them free of sinew and gristle or to make them look prettier) and tough meat from the fore quarter of the beef, aka arm chuck. None of this stuff is super scary sounding right? Oh, yes... arm chuck. That sounds very wholesome and mid-western how could that be bad? If you only knew.

What could go wrong? Why is important to know and trust the person who makes your burger or sausage? Turds. Blood. Hair. Filth. Dead cows. Green meat. What?

Turds, filth, hair: Slaughter houses, no matter how well run and clean, are still pretty dirty places which is fine since the animal is essentially sealed off from the gastro-intestinal content, blood, hair, etc. that may splash up onto the hanging carcasses as the slaughter men hose the above items into floor drains. Also, your steer might also have been dropped onto said kill floor. Don't forget about what it may come in contact with during transport in the back of some delivery truck. Have you ever seen the floor in the back of the average delivery truck? All that seems pretty gross. Nothing that you'd want in your meat. This is where love and trust for your butcher comes in. When your butcher is taking apart sub-primals (chances are he will never get quartered beef) he should be shaving off whatever part of the cow that was on the outside (where the turds and blood are) and throwing it away. It doesn't add-up to much waste-wise but it takes time and when a butcher is in a hurry it is seldom a good thing.

If that outside is not trimmed off it IS going into your ground meat. What did you say? You don't have a butcher to love and trust? Well then you are getting nasty stuff in your meat, I guarantee it. You can talk local and organic all you want but, if you eat meat, you need to be intimate with your butcher. Otherwise you have absolutely no idea the character of the man you are entrusting your digestive tract to.

"What bout the dead cows and green meat!" There are companies that do nothing but pick up dead cows from farms across the U.S.. Where do you think that two day dead dairy cow ends up? Chances are you've eaten one.

Green meat is basically meat that is about 35% rotten and has started to turn a shade of ghostly Lunesta Moth green. It smells quite bad. OK, it smells like a dumpster full of dead rats. It is not something you would want to eat. I knew a grizzled old butcher that looked like Edward James Olmos who used to work at a packing house that made Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage. He swore that they had piles of green, stinking meat, and I quote "as big as a house" on the bare concrete floor that they would then feed into the huge industrial meat grinder that made the sausage.

You think that stuff sounds yucky, it doesn't even include the "mechanically separated" meat by-product pudding that places like McDonalds or any other huge chain uses to make their burgers. This process involves the bones of the animals to be crushed and forced under high pressure through a sort of sieve. McCorprate food companies love it because it produces a very consistent product that takes the various meat flavorings and texturizers better than real meat.

I would imagine that if you don't have a butcher you trust and you still want a burger you're going to have to start doing it yourself. So how does one make proper ground beef?

Cuts: I like a fatty burger so my choice would be something like untrimmed brisket or trim from the belly. If you want less fat I would just get the cheapest pot roast type thing. Not too lean now! Most ground beef is at least 20% fat. If you're having trouble finding a cut with enough fat ask the guy at the meat counter if he has any untrimmed cuts (i.e. they have much more fat on the outside).

Trimming: You know that you need to remove the stuff that was on the outside of the animal but how do you tell which part it is? Well, number one, it will likely be a darker shade of white than the natural color of the fat. Sometimes it will be reddish from blood splash. The best way to tell is, of course, the go old USDA blue stamp. Once the outside is shaved off you will also want to get rid of any tendons, connective tissue or gristle that will gum up your hand crank meat grinder and end up as what Aaron calls "bullets" in your cooked burger. Also cut out any glands that you may find buried in the thick potions of fat. They will look like tan cancer blobs. Don't worry, they're just part of the lymphatic system.

Cut: Now cut your meat into 1 1/2 inch cubes. The smaller you cut them the easier it will be to grind. I only had to take apart a grinder full stuffed full of meat once to learn to cut them into smaller pieces. While you're doing this remember that if you run into any gristle that is hard to cut through it will be hard for the grinder blade too. Trim it out and toss it.

Grind: Any new hand-crank grinder you buy with come with several grind plates with holes in them in various sizes from large to small depending on what size ground meat particle you want. I would recommend using a large plate and then running it through once more using the smallest plate. Trying to use the smallest plate right of the bat may result in a clogged grinder. This is only necessary with beef. Pork is much softer and doesn't need a second pass.

Other advice, tips, etc: If you plan on seasoning the meat do it before you put it through the grinder as it will be more evenly distributed in the grind just make sure that you don't over season!

Red wine vinegar helps give hamburgers a bit more punch with a touch of red wine beefiness and acid.

To get burgers to stay together on the grill let the meat warm up before you make patties and make sure to work it into a ball well.

That's ground meat in a nutshell. Questions? Comments? Better tips? Let me know! I'm new at this shit too.